Codependents Anonymous
Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence
The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to people who are exploring and understanding what codependency is and looks like. It may aid those who have been in recovery for a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.
Denial Patterns
Codependents often:
have difficulty identifying what they are feeling
minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel
perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others
Lack of empathy for the feelings and needs of others
label others with their negative traits
think they can take care of themselves without any help from others
mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation
express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways
do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted
Low Self-esteem Patterns
Codependents often:
have difficulty making decisions
judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough
are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts
value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own
do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons
seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than
have difficulty admitting a mistake
need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good
are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want
perceive themselves as superior to others
look to others to provide their sense of safety
have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects
have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries
Compliance Patterns
Codependents often:
remain extremely loyal in harmful situations for too long
compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger
put aside their own interests in order to do what others want
are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings
are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others
accept sexual attention when they want love
make decisions without regard to the consequences
give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change
Control Patterns
Codependents often:
believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves
attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel
Freely offer advice and direction without being asked
become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice
lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence
use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance
have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others
demand that their needs be met by others
use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate
use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally
refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate
adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes
use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others
pretend to agree with others to get what they want
Avoidance Patterns
Codependents often:
act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them
judge harshly what others think, say, or do
avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance
allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships
use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery
suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable
pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away
refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves
believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness
withhold expressions of appreciation
Used from www.CoDA.org | Copyright © 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved.
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